Lives of Lister
by x.Sess.x.Satan.x
Summary: FINISHED Lister isn't happy. And neither is Lister. Can they make each other happy?
1. Lister is tired

**Disclaimer:** It's been ages since I last wrote a disclaimer! Hehe! Ahem…No, I don't own it. Ask anyone who knows me, and d'you know what they'll say? They'll say, nope, she doesn't own Red Dwarf. In fact, you can ask people who DON'T know me and they'll still say "er, hello, Red Dwarf is owned by Grant Naylor". Unless they don't watch Red Dwarf in which case you're probably better off asking someone else. Hehe I enjoyed that!  
**Author's note:** I won't spoil the surprise at the end for you. Just RR and enjoy.

Lister entered his apartment and tossed his keys on the side table, missing it completely as always. As he bent down to fish the keys out of the bin, Jim rushed at him. He got up just in time to cover his privates before his son ran straight into them.  
"James!" Lister tutted at him. Jim looked down sheepishly; he knew he had done wrong when his dad called him by his proper name. Feeling a pang of guilt, Lister knelt down and ran his hand over Jim's head, "Look, Daddy's had a hard day at work today. I need you and your brother to be really well behaved."  
Jim nodded exaggeratedly.  
"Good," Lister got up and Jim ran off again almost crashing into his mother.  
"Jim, be careful!" Kochanski warned him, but he had already gone. She shook her head and looked up, "Dave!" she exclaimed, "I didn't even hear you come in!" she went over to him and kissed him on the cheek, "How was your day?"  
Lister sighed and grumbled, "I don't wanna talk about it."  
"That bad?"  
"Worse," he accentuated, taking off his hat and hanging it on a peg on the wall.  
"Aw," Kochanski hugged her husband, "Well, maybe I can, er…make up for it…?"  
"I…I'm not really in the mood."  
"Oh," Kris was taken aback. Dave _never_ refused sex. Something was wrong, "Dave, do you…?"  
"Want a drink?" He finished, "Yes. Yes I do."  
Kris smiled and walked out.

She leaned on the kitchen cabinet and sighed. She had really wanted to say 'Dave, do you want to talk about it?' not offer him a drink. Especially as he had been drinking rather a lot recently. She reached up to the drinks cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whisky and a glass. She pulled out the stopper to the bottle and tipped it up, but it was empty. She sighed and covered her face with her hands.  
"Kris? You OK?"  
She span round, a smile hastily plastered to her face, "Yes! Fine!"  
Lister looked at her suspiciously, but dismissed any wary feelings. He yawned, "I think I'm gonna go to bed."  
"But it's only seven thirty!" Kris said checking her watch.  
"I know. I…I'm just tired," Lister said already out of the door.

Lister slumped on the bed and hugged a pillow to his chest. Why was he lumbered with this life? A life where he had to fix spaceships to keep his apartment. A life where he'd had to marry prematurely after his girlfriend became pregnant with twins. A life where a man that he was forced to see every day had the most amazing career, charisma and hair known to the universe. Surely there was someone somewhere who was devoid of all these pressures? The phone rang. Lister leapt to answer it; he couldn't risk letting Kris find out about his secret psychotherapist.  
"Hello?"  
"Spanners? It's Ace, here."  
_Well, obviously! _Lister thought to himself, _Ace was the only person who called him Spanners_.  
"Hi, Ace! A mission, is it?"  
"'Fraid so. Another dimension jump job."  
"I see. OK, I'll be down right away."  
"Good man. Smoke me a kipper; I'll be back for breakfast."  
_Why did he always end conversations like that?_

**Author's note:** Hehe, you all thought I was talking about OUR Lister, didn't you? Well…I wasn't. Muahahahaha!


	2. Lister is bored

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it. Oh! Oh, no. Thought I had it then, but, no.  
**Author's note:** OK, so Spanners is depressed. How is our Lister faring?

Lister entered his room and tossed his empty beer can towards the bin, missing it completely as always. He stared at it for a while wondering whether or not to go and pick it up. _Is this what my life has become?_ He wondered to himself, _spending my time debating the fate of a beer can.  
_"No matter how much you stare at it," Rimmer's voice came from behind him, "it won't move unless you pick it up."  
"Ha, ha," Lister said, fully aware this was a pathetic comeback.  
"So, done anything of use today, Lister? Oh, no, of course you haven't," he continued before Lister could reply.  
"Smeg off, Hat-rack Head," Lister said jumping onto his bunk, opening another lager.

Rimmer frowned; he knew how out-of-control Lister's drinking was becoming. And although it was only because there was cank-all else to do, it was becoming a concern.  
"Lister, I really think you should stop drinking," Rimmer tackled him.  
"Don't worry, I'll put this one in the bin," Lister replied.  
"No, I mean-"  
"Look!" Lister yelled, "I just wanna relax. Got a problem with that?"  
Rimmer shook his head exaggeratedly and left the room speedily.

Lister slumped on the bed and whipped out a book. Why was he lumbered with this life? A life where he had to drink and argue with a hologram to keep his sanity. A life where his ex-girlfriend was dead. A life where a man that he was forced to see every day had the most annoying voice, character and hair known to the universe. Surely there was someone somewhere who was devoid of all these distractions? 'Message' flashed on the screen. Lister stuffed the book under his pillow; he couldn't risk letting anyone know that he kept a secret diary.  
"Play message."  
"Mister Lister, sir?"  
"Hi, Krytes. Problem?"  
"I'm afraid so. Another dimension jump."  
"I see. OK, I'll be there soon."  
"Yes, sir."  
Lister finished off the lager and threw it at the bin, missing again.

**Author's note: **I like this story! Next chappie probably won't be for a while 'cos I'm going on a music course in Weymouth. Ugh. I must remember to take my Red Dwarf DVDs with me. And maybe mysteriously lose my clarinet…


	3. Lister is DJing

**Author's note:** Sorry, this has taken a while to get here. And, yes, I have changed my penname. For those of you not paying attention, this is the artist formerly known as gottaluvarnrimmer. I changed my email address so I thought, why not give all my screennames a bit of an overhaul! Anyway, RR as always and enjoy!

Spanners walked down the all-too-familiar corridor which linked his office to Ace's. A figure passed him, but he was in too much of a rush to notice who it was.  
"David?"  
Spanners recognized the voice and turned round with a smile.  
"Padre!" he said to one of the only people that made his life bearable, "How are you?"  
"Oh, I'm just fine. What about you?"  
"Oh, can't complain," Spanners lied, "Just got another job on."  
"Oh, good. It's, er, it's best for you to keep busy," Padre said in an undertone. He was the only other person that knew about Spanners' therapy sessions.  
"Yes, I suppose. Anyway, Ace'll be wondering where I am. I'll see you later, Padre."  
"Yes, dear. Bless you."  
Spanners smiled again and walked on. He stopped by a door labelled "Arnold Rimmer" with the 'Arnold' scratched out and 'Ace' written above it. He knocked on it. No reply. He knocked again, slightly harder. He gingerly tried the doorhandle, but it was locked. Spanners frowned and stood back from the door, backing into another in the process. He span round and looked at the name: "Melanie Carter". Lister rolled his eyes; trust Ace to pick an office right next to Mellie's. He went in to Mellie's office, not bothering to knock - likelihood was Mellie would be too busy chatting up some guy (and by 'some guy' he meant 'Ace') to notice he had entered without permission.  
Sure enough he found them, foreheads almost touching, whispering to each other. He cleared his throat and they both span round.  
"Ah," Ace said, slightly squeakily, "Spanners. Good to see you. Just step into my office, I'll be there in a mo."  
"It's locked."  
"Ah," Ace repeated, "Er, fine, well if you'd care to, er…" he unwillingly walked over to Spanners and led him out of the room and into his own office.

Once there, Ace sat down behind his desk, "Look, I'll come clean with you. I didn't invite you down here to do engineering work. I want you to come with me on this next mission."  
Spanners stared at him, "Me? W-why?"  
"You're showing potential, Spanners. You're thesis on time dilation in inter-reality space hops was most fascinating. In fact, some of the research boffins have started to plan experiments based on your theory."  
Spanners couldn't help but give a small laugh, "You're seriously telling me that because of that one paper, they decided to let me go on a mission with _you_."  
"Obviously not just that, Spanners," Ace continued, "You show spirit. You show a passion for outer space. I like your character and I want to give you a chance to grow."  
Spanners felt like he was going to cry, "Ace, you will _not_ regret this!"  
Ace smiled, "I suppose you want to know what the mission is?"  
"No! I don't care!"  
"Well, I feel I should tell you anyway," Ace said, "Supplies are running low for this base, and rival bases are refusing to help."  
"Can't we just import from another planet?"  
"Sound idea, Spanners, in theory," he said with a raised finger, "Trouble is, all of the nearest planets - Earth, Mars, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune - are already delivering their goods to the rival bases here on Jupiter. The closest planet that has offered help is Mecury, and we can't afford to ship food and other amenities all the way from Mercury."  
"So, basically, we have a problem."  
"Yes. And that's where _we _come in. Seeing as there is nothing available to us in _this_ universe…"  
"We have to go to _another_ universe…" Spanners finished.  
"Spot on, Spanners. We're going to dimension jump again."

* * *

Lister walked down the all-too-familiar corridor which linked his quarters with the landing bays. He turned into the exit labelled 'Starbug 2', only instead of going straight forward towards the spacecraft as he was used to, he turned right and up a flight of stairs to join the others in the Communications Booth. The first thing he noticed was that all the lights on the panel in front of him were illuminated. He didn't have much experience in Communications, but he was sure that that couldn't be good.  
"Where the smeg have you been?" Rimmer's voice was the first thing Lister heard above the wailing sirens.  
"Does it matter?" Lister shouted back, "I'm here now, aren't I?"  
"Sirs," Kryten interrupted the argument, "We don't have much time; we need to prepare the landing bay for the dimension jumping craft's arrival, which means moving Starbug 2 into Starbug 4's bay."  
"Hold on. Dimension jumping?" Lister asked curiously, "You don't think…"  
"It's likely, sir," Kryten replied before he'd even asked the question. Rimmer groaned and ran a hand over his face.  
"You've got to be _kidding_ me!" he yelled as the sirens volume increased. Lister grinned - it was these little moments that made life worth living!  
"What?" Cat said clearly confused, "What's happening?"  
"Standby," Holly's voice said, although her image was nowhere to be seen, "Craft is ready to DJ."  
"Right," Lister suddenly jumped into action. He ran out of the room and leapt down the flight of stairs three at a time, took a sharp right into the landing bay which almost sent him skidding across the floor, and pelted over to the 'Bug. He climbed the stairs, ran into the cockpit and urgently revved up the engine. He lowered the wheels whilst Kryten, back in the Communications Room, opened up the door between the two Starbugs' bays. From then on it was slow progress, and everyone but Kryten was sure that they would be too late. Quarter of a mile away, they saw Ace's Wildfire zoom effortlessly into the Dwarf. Starbug 2 just had time to meander into the landing bay before Wildfire touched down.  
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, apart from Rimmer who breathed a sigh of desperation - Ace was back, and Rimmer was sure he would want to know what he had been up to. "Well, Ace," he imagined his response, "Since you're last visit I managed to wipe out the population of an entire planet, been taken prisoner by my own mind, been possessed by the King of the Potato People, and almost killed several times. What's up with _you_?" He didn't like to think about Ace's reply.

Meanwhile, Lister sat on the banister to the outer stairs of Starbug and slid down.  
"Don't do that! You could break your neck!" Ace said, doing exactly the same thing on the Wildfire. Lister smiled, walked up to Ace and high-fived him.  
"How've you been?" Lister asked him.  
"Not bad. Yourself?"  
"Well, things could be better. But as long as Rimmer's miserable, I don't really mind!"  
Ace winced. He knew this version of him was a weasel-minded, despicable, toad of a man, but he was still _him_, and it hurt Ace to hear someone speak that way of him. He forced a laugh anyway.  
"Skipper, I'd like for you to meet someone."  
Lister turned towards the door of the Wildfire and got the shock (or one of the shocks) of his life. Standing in the doorframe was…Lister.

**A/n: **Well, well, well. I wonder what's going to happen next…


	4. Lister is changing

**Author's note:** Finally, this chapter is finished! R&R&Enjoy.

Spanners cleared his throat nervously and edged down the steps. Lister watched his every mover, jaw agape.  
"This," said Ace, "Is Spanners."  
_Ah_, Lister thought to himself, _so this is the illustrious Spanners.  
_"How do you do?" Spanners held his hand out.  
_Oh, Christ, this Lister is posh,_ "Er, yeh, I'm OK, I guess. You?"  
_Oh, Lord, this Lister is dire, _"Yes, I'm fine, thank you."  
There was an awkward pause.  
"Fellas," Holly's voice echoed around the landing bay, "I don't mean to interrupt this fascinating discussion, but I have a problem."  
"What kind of problem?" Rimmer asked.  
"Duh! I can't get my image up on the smegging screen!"  
"Well, what can we do about it?" Rimmer asked.  
"Don't worry," Ace called from the ground, "I know what to do."  
_Of course you do, _Rimmer and Spanners thought in unison.

"There you go," Ace said to Holly, "All fixed up and ready to go."  
Holly appeared on the screen, "Thank you, Ace," she blushed.  
"You know, we didn't get much of a chance to talk during my last visit," he mentioned, causing Holly to avoid his eyes; she didn't like being reminded that she'd fainted last time, "You look awfully like someone back home."  
At that point Rimmer walked in behind him.  
"Is that a good thing?" Holly asked.  
"Oh, yes, it's a good thing," Ace said softly. Rimmer stuck his fingers down his throat in disgust; Holly glared at him prompting Ace to spin round.  
"Ah, Arnie," he said unruffled by the interruption, "Just giving Holly the once over."  
"I can see that," Rimmer winced. He hoped to God that Ace didn't have a thing for _Holly_; that would be too embarrassing for words, "Kryten wanted me to let you know that he's checked all the cargo decks for the supplies you want and there are none anywhere."  
"None?"  
"Well, not enough."  
"Right, fair enough. Well, I guess I'll be off then."  
"Off?" Holly whined, "Off where?"  
"To another dimension."  
"Do you have to go?"  
"'Fraid so, old girl. I'll try and come back soon, I promise."  
"Oh, please!" Rimmer said holding his hand on his stomach, "If I wasn't dead, I'd be throwing up right now!" he stalked out feeling more than nauseous.

* * *

"So," Lister broke the silence between himself and his counterpart, "How'd you end up on this trip with Ace, then?"  
"Well, it was primarily based on the thesis I wrote, but Ace hides it behind a load of 'it's your spirit that counts' smeg."  
"Woah, woah, woah!" Lister raised I hand in disbelief, "You wrote a thesis?"  
Spanners nodded.  
"You? A 'Lister' wrote a thesis. I never thought I'd see the day…"  
"Have you never written one?"  
"Lister writing a thesis?" Rimmer smirked as he strode through the doorway, "That'll be the day!"  
"Shut up!" Lister retorted, whilst Spanners giggled.  
"Anyway," Rimmer continued with extra emphasis on the first 'a', "Spanners, Ace wanted me to get you. Seems you're already off again."  
"What?" Spanners asked, disappointed. In the couple of hours he'd been on the Dwarf, he had fallen in love with their way of life. And he couldn't see why Lister complained about it so much. He would happily lead this life for him! In fact…  
"Lister," he span round quickly and began to speak agitatedly, "I've had a thought. You're sick of this life, right? You want adventure, yeah? And I want to get away from it. So why don't we, you know, swap lives!"  
Lister stared at him then burst out laughing. Spanners looked hurt.  
"I'm sorry," Lister said through gulps of air, "I couldn't help it! Swap lives? It's a big step."  
"Why not?" Spanners asked.  
"Yeah, why not?" Rimmer echoed.  
Lister thought for a bit. Maybe he wasn't being so crazy. It was true that he longed for excitement, and he knew that Spanner's was looking for a more laid-back life. Plus he got on surprisingly well with Rimmer, and Lister did like spending time with Ace. The more he considered it, the more it made sense. He nodded slowly, "Yeah, OK."

Ace and Lister made their way to the foot of the flight of stairs that led to the cockpit of the Wildfire. Rimmer and Spanners were the only ones present to see them off.  
"Where is everyone?" Lister asked.  
"Grieving," Rimmer said, simply.  
"All of them?"  
"Holly's grieving 'cos Ace is leaving, Kryten's grieving 'cos you're leaving, and Cat's grieving 'cos he spilt soup on his eight-sixth favourite suit."  
"I see. Well, time to say goodbye. See you round."  
"Yep," Rimmer always thought he'd be jumping for joy the day Lister left, but something didn't feel right about this; the decision had been too rushed, and he hadn't had time to process the information properly.  
"Bye, Ace," Spanners said quietly, "I'll miss you."  
"Right back at you."  
There was a long and very awkward silence before Ace exclaimed, "So, Dave, ready to DJ?"  
Lister nodded, "Sure!"  
They made their way up as Rimmer and Spanners looked on. None of them could help but notice the tears in their eyes as the Wildfire sped off once again.

**A/n: **This is actually quite a sad chapter! I didn't mean it to be!


	5. Lister is restarting

**Author's note: **Hi everyone, sorry about the delay, MAJOR coursework problems (but they'll be over after by Easter - YES!). R&R&E…

Lister sat back in his chair and watched the stars zoom past at warp speed as Ace prepared to dimension jump.  
"Skipper, can you calibrate the main conduits to lock with the transponders on Alpha Delta IV?"  
"Er…what?"  
Ace pointed at a blue button, "Press that twice." Lister did so with a nervous grin.  
"I can't believe you let me do that!" He said.  
"Why?" Ace asked.  
Lister snorted, "No one, and by that I mean Rimmer, would _never _have trusted me with something like that. He wouldn't let me replace rivets when we were technicians," he began to impersonate the hologram in question, "'If you do it wrong, laddo, it's my career that's on the line.' Honestly, you have no idea how glad I am to be away from that."  
"You might want to buckle up for this," Ace warned.  
"Oh, please, I have a very high threshold for…ARGH!" he screamed as Ace hit the big red button labelled 'DJ'.

Ace steadied the ship and stuck it on autopilot before picking Lister up from off the floor.  
"Thanks," Lister smiled weakly, gingerly fingering the bruises on the back of his neck. Ace smiled back.  
"I wanted to ask you something before we jumped dimensions," Ace said, "When you said you were glad to be away…did you really mean that?"  
Lister stared up at him, "Of course! This is what I've always dreamed of!" He indicated the space around him, "To be with the people at the forefront. To be of use to someone. Back there I was forced to be content with a life filled with nothingness. I was forced to lead this…this pointless, slobby existence. When I was first let out of stasis I would get so angry. I remember one incident in particular, where Rimmer got smegged off 'cos I'd used one of his miniature toy soldiers as a toothpick, and I got smegged off 'cos he got smegged off, so he got even _more_ smegged off, and…you see where I'm going."  
Ace smiled one of his famous smiles and nodded.  
"Well, anyway, the argument got a little heated and I threatened to switch off his hologram. Then Holly got annoyed 'cos we'd interrupted her doing something-or-other, so then Rimmer got pissed with _her_, so she got more annoyed. So I jumped in and defended Hol, but she said that she could take care of herself, so then Rimmer got all gloaty, and we ended up having this _huge_ three-way conversation. If it hadn't been for Kryten interrupting, I swear I would have crushed Rimmer's light-bee and smashed in Holly's screen."  
Ace slowly shook his head; he'd known things were edgy on Red Dwarf, but he hadn't known the full extent. Then and there he decided never to mention Dave's past life again.

Over the next week, Lister learned a range of new skills. He could do all the things you were supposed to do on a ship: piloting, salvaging, general maintenance. But he found his true talent was navigation. He was good at judging distances against times, which helped Ace enormously as it cut down on time. Often Lister wondered what his life would have been like if he'd realised his aptitude for astronavigation. He might even have had a _career_. It made Lister laugh to think about it! But maybe it wasn't such an insane idea. In fact, maybe he could still have that career. After all, his past life with all the distractions and limitations holding him back was no more. He had a fresh new life. And even if he screwed it up in the way he usually did, well, at least he would have tried.  
"Ace?" Lister mused whilst tapping his finger rhythmically on the scanner one uneventful afternoon, "D'you think I could be a Navigation Officer?"  
Ace looked at him with soft eyes, "Davey boy, if you think you can do it, then you can do it better than anyone."  
Lister nodded and turned back to the scanner. He _could_ do it.

**Author's note:** I rather liked this chapter. Not sure why. Anyway, if anyone happens to be at the Royal Albert Hall on Sunday 13th March, look out for the titch clarinetist with the sprained wrist…cos it's ME!  
If you're not gonna be there (shock horror!) then wish me luck!


	6. Lister is happy

**Author's note: **Yikes, this chapter was hard to write. I was in France last week on a music course and when I got back I found my creative flow had just stopped completely. Apologies if this chapter is the worst I write. R&R please!

Meanwhile on the Red Dwarf, Spanners was starting to find his way round and having a good time, too. It was a little disconcerting to see Mellie without a body, but, although she was a little scatty (well, a _lot_ scatty), Holly had a lovely disposition. Kryten sometimes got on his nerves when he complained about missing Lister, but he was usually pretty much OK. And once he got used to the Cat he wasn't so bad. And Rimmer…well, almost at once they became the best of friends. They spent most nights discussing various themes such as telegraph poles (which Spanners didn't like that much), engineering (which Rimmer didn't like that much) and twentieth century fascist dictators (although they had different opinions on them, they had great fun debating about it!). But the theme that seemed to crop up the most was that of the old Lister; usually of how useless he is…was. It sometimes vaguely occurred to Rimmer that it felt a little empty without the little sod ruining things. And how Lister himself could be steering himself to an early grave - or a place in the insane asylum - by being with Ace. After all, Holly had once said the only thing that was keeping him sane was being with (or, more correctly, arguing with) Rimmer. Could Ace really do the job?  
Still, the odd game of Risk kept his mind off analysing it too much.

Although he still had a few odd jobs to do just to keep the ship ticking over, Spanners found life much more relaxed. Instead of devoting his time to creating the latest craft design the Space Corps. had asked for, he found he could go and grab a bite to eat any time he wanted. Or take a nap. Or just sit around and chat.  
"Feed me," Cat said to him one day, strutting into the sleeping quarters.  
"Cat, Rimmer told you how to use the machines a long time ago, you can feed yourself, now."  
"Damn. I'm so _hungry_!"  
Spanners chuckled, "You ate less than an hour ago!"  
Cat grinned innocently and Spanners laughed again.  
"You know, I always wanted a cat. But pets are against Space Corps. regulations. Krissy always said it would be good for me to have something I could have responsibility for. 'Cos I was always a bit insecure about my independence. I was always so reliant upon other people: Kris, Ace, Bongo, Padre," he sighed, "Still, I never have to return to…_that _life," he spat.  
"That's a great story!" Cat said with mock enthusiasm, "Can I eat it?"

Later that night the Dwarfers were gathered around for their weekly poker game.  
"Are you sure you've never played this game before?" Rimmer asked Spanners suspiciously as he collected his winnings for the ninth time that night.  
"No, never." Spanners said simply.  
"Oh, come on, you haven't at least marked the cards or something?" he teased.  
"No! I haven't!"  
"Ignore him," Cat said in an undertone to Spanners, "he's just jealous 'cos it took us three weeks to teach him how to shuffle."  
Rimmer shot him an evil glare.  
"Who's turn to deal?" Holly asked.  
"Me," said Cat picking up the deck and dealing them out, "One-eyed Jack is wild, everybody ante, first deal."  
There was a chink of coins being dropped on the table.  
"I'll take three," Rimmer said.  
"Me too," reiterated Spanners.  
"Dealer takes two. Any bets?"  
"Two dollarpounds," Rimmer said throwing the money to the middle of the table.  
"Ooh, calm down," Cat said sarcastically.  
"Shut up. Any other bets?"  
"Yes," said Spanners, "I'll see your two dollarpounds," he put two coins on the pile, "and raise you thirty."  
"I see your thirty," Cat said, "and raise you…uh, one," Spanners stared at him, "What? You've wiped me out, bud!"  
"Fine. Rimmer, any advance?"  
"No way, Jose. I fold."  
"Cat?"  
"I'm out, too."  
"Excellent!" Spanners smiled and swept up his newly gained cash for the tenth time that evening, "You know what; I think I'll call it a night. It's been a pleasure, gentlemen!"  
And with that he sauntered out of the door.

**A/n: **Sorry about the totally irrelevant poker game, but I had to pad out the chapter somehow. And I guess it kinda shows how much fun he's having on Red Dwarf. Sort of… :-/


	7. Lister is escaping

**Author's note: **The Listers are too damn happy. Lets give 'em a bit of misery! This is probably my longest chapter so far on this fic, so get comfy!

"Red alert! Red alert!" Rimmer yelled as he ran round and round like a chicken without a head.  
"Rimmer, calm down!" Spanners said, placing his hand on Rimmer's shoulder to keep him still, "You're going to have a nervous breakdown, just relax."  
Rimmer closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. Suddenly his eyes snapped back open, "We're gonna crash, we're gonna crash, we're gonna crash, we're gonna cra-"  
"What's the prob, dudes?" Holly dissolved onto the screen, replacing the strange fish display.  
"What do you mean 'what's the prob'?" Rimmer asked her incredulously, "We're going to CRASH!"  
Holly paused, "Nah."  
"Yes we are!" Rimmer argued, "Kryten saw the meteor on the monitor."  
"I can't see any meteor," Holly argued back.  
"That's because you're useless!" Rimmer yelled.  
"Guys!" Spanners interrupted, "Listen, meteor or no meteor, we have to try and stay on the same team! Otherwise we'll never get anything done!"  
"Be on the same team as him?" Holly asked nodding towards Rimmer.  
"Yes," Spanners said gently.  
"What, like…all the time?" Rimmer asked.  
"All the time."  
Rimmer and Holly sighed in unison. Cat suddenly waltzed through the door.  
"Hey, guys, why is it getting so hot in here?" he chuckled to himself whilst the others checked the temperature, "Hey, maybe its 'cos I'm _steaming_! Heh heh!"  
"He's right, it's nearly sixty degrees and steadily rising. I think Rimmer was right about the meteor."  
Holly sulked whilst Rimmer looked smug.  
"Come on, everyone," Spanners leapt up from Rimmer's bunk, "to the drive room."

They met Kryten there who was busy trying to stop the navicomp from overheating.  
"How big's this meteor then, Krytes?" Spanners asked the panicky mech.  
"Vast, sir. Almost four kilometers in diameter." Spanners gave an impressed whistle.  
"Speed?"  
"Twelve knots."  
"Course?"  
"Collision."  
Spanners heard a noise which sounded like a navicomp exploding. Maybe that was because the navicomp had indeed exploded. Kryten rummaged around the debris and fished out a charred tube of some sort.  
"My bryll cream!" Cat said, ecstatically.  
"Bryll cream?" Rimmer echoed.  
"I've been looking for that for days!"  
Spanners was outraged, "How could you leave that lying around the navicomp? You know how unreliable they are at the best of times; if it were to get a flammable hair product all over it…"  
"OK, take a chill pill!" Cat laughed. Spanners busied himself with some controls to stop himself from hitting the deranged feline.  
"Can we maneuver around this thing?" he said through gritted teeth.  
"Yes, sir," Kryten replied, "If we move fast. Best co-ordinates to follow are 214 by 386."  
"Check."  
He hit several buttons and pushed several levers and Red Dwarf was eased to its left.  
"It's not gonna be enough!" Holly yelled erratically, "Abandon ship! Get to a Starbug; I'll get us out of this."  
They all ran to Starbug 2 and raced to the cockpit. In fact, Cat _literally_ raced: "Last one there's got space measles!"

They assumed their usual seats and zoomed out into the big black. They could see the meteor clearly now, and all of them would have been extremely impressed if it weren't for the fact that they were all too close to mental breakdown.  
"OK," Spanners said coolly, trying to remain calm, "Let's get out of the way and let Holly do her thing."  
"There's a planet not far from here. Just a couple of klicks," Rimmer informed them, "Does it have a breathable atmosphere?"  
"Yes, sir," Kryten confirmed, "But, thankfully, unpopulated. Suggest we camp there until Holly gets back to us."  
"Sure," said Spanners, relieved that everyone seemed to be being a bit more professional now, "Cat, take her down."  
"Aye, aye," said Cat throwing out a rather dodgy salute.

As Starbug tipped its nose towards the blue planet, a funny whirring noise came from the back of the cockpit. To be precise it was coming from Rimmer. To be even more precise it was coming from his lightbee.  
"Mister Rimmer's losing power. We were in such a rush we forgot to pick up an extra battery pack."  
"Oh, fan-smegging-tastic," Rimmer said sarcastically.  
"It'll be OK," Spanners said trying to sustain the calm atmosphere he had recently obtained, "Put yourself into soft-light and try not to strain yourself with doing anything too strenuous."  
Rimmer reached inside his stomach and located the switch. He faded out with his blue uniform, then back in with his red.  
"But that means we'll have to do all his tasks as well as our own!" Cat complained.  
"It's only for a few hours, Cat," Spanner reasoned with him.  
"But I'm a Cat! I can't work at the best of times! Don't even ask me to do twice the amount!"  
"Sir, we're _all_ going to have to chip in," Kryten told him, "unless we want Mister Rimmer to fade away and die."  
"Well…" Cat seriously contemplated it.  
"Shut up, Cat," Rimmer interrupted, "Just pull your weight for once."  
"For once?" Cat yelled, insulted, "I do pull my weight! Who got us out of that GELF zone? Who got us off the Low's ship? Who-?"  
CRASH!  
Starbug went nose-first into the blue planet's rocky surface.

**A/n: **Why do I like crashing Starbug so much? And why always into a 'blue planet'? See 'Love' if you don't believe me! Chapter 12. I did it again. Cuh, honestly...


	8. Lister is flirting

**Author's note: **In this chapter, Ace was going to turn out to be this really horrible, controlling type of person…but I couldn't do it! I love him too much! So, in the end, I thought he could be too helpful. Which in some ways is worse. But, whatever, it's my story. R&R please! Thank you to **Sunrise over the Tango Factory **and **reddwarfaddict **who appear to be the only people remotely interested in my writing. If you ARE reading it and NOT reviewing it, then PLEASE review it, even if it's bad because it all helps! Thank you again. x

Lister fiddled with the controls of the Wildfire, more than bored. It seemed that every mission he went on with Ace he ended up stuck in the cockpit so that he 'wouldn't get hurt' or 'to stay out of trouble' or, the one he hated most, 'for the best.' Frankly, he had had more excitement back on Red Dwarf.  
"What's the problem, old fella?" Ace asked him one day, "You look sadder than a geek at a science-fiction convention."  
"I'm just…frustrated. Frustrated with…everything. Lack of excitement. Lack of fun. Lack of…can I be totally and completely honest? Lack of women and sex."  
Ace's eyebrows raised of their own accord, "So, you miss women?"  
Lister nodded and turned away from him - he couldn't believe he just said that.  
"Hmm…" Ace pondered, "You know, I think I know someone who might be good for you. Bethan. She's really lovely, and I think you two could really hit it off."  
Lister's eyes lit up, "Really?"  
"Yep. I'll introduce you when we get back."

"Bethan, this is Ski-…sorry, I mean, Dave. Dave Lister."  
"Hello, Dave," a bright young brunette women said cheerily.  
"I'll leave you two alone for a little while," Ace said, fired a quick salute and walked away with the hint of a smile on his lips.  
He watched the proceedings from a distance. Although he couldn't hear anything, he could see their actions and he worked it out from that.  
Bethan was doing much of the flirting: touching his arm, giggling, flicking her hair. But Lister didn't seem to be reciprocating much. Finally he placed a hand on her shoulder, leant in close and said something to her. She tipped her head back a bit, looked him up and down, hit him hard and ran.  
Lister reported back to Ace with an irritated frown and a hand clamped over his cheek. Ace winced, "Not so good?"  
"Hopeless! I think I'm out of practice."  
Another young woman crossed his path.  
"Hi," he said cheerily, but she just looked disgustedly at him, Lister thought his luck changed when her expression turned into a deeper, more lustful one. That is until she said, "Ace! Hi!" Ace shot her a smile and she skipped off again.  
"See?" Lister turned to Ace, "At least in the last universe they _talked_ to me!"  
"It's not a big deal…"  
"Not a big deal? My sex life's so appalling I think my virginity's coming back!"  
"Oh, don't be silly."  
"It's true!"  
"Skipper, don't think about it!" Ace said forcefully, putting a hand on Lister's shoulder, "Concentrate on something else. Let's go for a spin in the old girl," he said nodding towards the Wildfire. Lister nodded glumly and shuffled over to the stairs.

"Skipper, can you calibrate the main conduits to lock with the transponders on Alpha Delta IV?"  
"What?"  
Ace sighed, "I taught you that on the first day you were with me, remember?"  
Lister grinned, "Er, not so much…"  
Ace didn't look very amused. He hit a blue button twice, "Skipper, you'll never get anywhere if you don't try."  
"I do try!" Lister retorted, "It's just hard for me to…you know, remember stuff like that. It's really complicated."  
"I know that," Ace said, "but you have to move past the complications. You just _have_ to know these things."  
Lister sighed and slumped on the panel.  
"Don't hit that button!" Ace cried, but it was too late; Lister's elbow made contact with the small red button. There was a flash of bright yellow light and the craft went wild, spinning beyond control. Ace managed to take control of the joystick and steadied the Wildfire.  
"We've changed position!" he yelled, "Where are we?"  
"According to the navicomp we're…oh no…"  
"What? Where are we?" Ace repeated.  
"We're back in…_that_ dimension."  
"Your dimension?"  
"The one and only. Hang about," Lister hit the light panel that had been flashing at him, "we're picking up a distress signal. Oh smeg!"  
"What is it now?" Ace said, struggling to maintain his suave 'Ace' persona.  
"It's from Starbug. It's the guys."


	9. Lister is rescuing

**Author's note:** This was one hell of a bastard to write, as Liz and Bex will tell you! I spent many an evening whining to them. But they came up with the wild strawberry gag, which a lot of you (in fact, all of you) probably won't get. You had to be there.  
Anyway, R&R and ENJOY!

Rimmer was pacing up and down the planet's surface and wearing a noticeable groove in the dust, "This is a nightmare…what are we going to do…this is a nightmare…" he kept repeating to himself. Spanners looked at him from his position fixing the engine.  
"You're telling me!" he yelled at the hologram, "I joined you lot so I could _escape_ all this!" he gave a screw one last turn before slamming the compartment door shut, "Start her up, Cat!" he called to the overturned cockpit. A few whiny noises later and Spanners shouted for him to stop. Cat leaned out of the window, "Well, this tin-can ain't goin' anywhere. But we did get a response to the distress beacon."  
"We did?" Rimmer asked with glee.  
"Yep. Space Corps. dimension jumping craft, two lifesigns, name: Wildfire."  
Rimmer and Spanners groaned, "Not him!"  
They all gathered in the cockpit to hear Ace's smooth voice transmit over the radio, "Fellas, having a spot of bother at the moment with the old crate," he said with just a hint of panic.  
"Well, that's useful isn't it?" Rimmer retorted filling his voice with as much sarcasm as he could possibly muster, "Because _we_ are having a fair bit of trouble as well!"  
"OK, Rimmer," Lister said sadly over the radio, "Calm down, you'll have a heart attack."  
"What's wrong with you?" Rimmer asked, "You sound depressed," his heart leapt, "are you not happy with Acey-wacey?"  
Ace frowned.  
"Actually," Lister started, but hesitated before continuing, "…I'm not."  
"Well, this is excellent!" Spanners exclaimed, "We can swap back!"  
"What?" came several voices at once.  
"Are you not happy here, Mr Spanners, sir?" Kryten asked.  
"Well…" Spanners started but was interrupted by a low grumble that grew into a not-so-low grumble.

"What the smeg is that?" Rimmer yelled over the top of the noise.  
"It's a quake!" Kryten shouted, going into panic-mode.  
A huge bang exploded above them and the Wildfire erupted several small fires.  
"What the smeg was that?" Lister yelled over the top of the noise.  
"One of the engines has gone," Ace shouted, somehow maintaining his cool persona.  
"What can I do?" Lister said determinedly.  
"Press the small blue button!" Ace hollered instructions. Lister scanned the panel.  
"Which one? There are two identical ones!"  
"Press the smaller one."  
"They're _identical_! They're about as different as strawberries and wild strawberries!"  
"What?" Cat said over the radio confused, "One bites your tongue off?"  
"Shut _up_, Cat!"  
"Can I just say one more thing?" Cat asked.  
"Oh, fine!"  
"Ace, buddy, this may be the last time we get to talk. I mean, neither of us know what's going to happen here. So…I just want to say…I just want to ask you…how do you keep your teeth so shiny bright?"  
"Chew gum with extra xylitol, Cat old man," Ace said smoothly, "Keeps your teeth as white as snow, and twice as cool!"  
"Thanks!"

"Sorry to barge in on this absolutely fascinating discussion," Spanners said forcefully, "but we've got a few dilemmas here: this planet is extremely unstable, we can't take off, and the Wildfire is about to land on top of us. Any suggestions?"  
There was a long silence.  
"Great, thanks for that," Spanners said, marching over to the engine and ripping off its cover sending screws and bits of metal flying everywhere, scattering on the planet's moving surface like a demented mosaic.  
"What on Io's name are you doing?" Rimmer asked agitatedly, as the quake got worse, "You said yourself we can't fix it."  
"Well, there's no harm in trying, is there?"  
"That's the Spanners I remember!" Ace said over the radio whilst simultaneously wrestling with Wildfire's controls.  
"It's no good, Ace!" Lister yelled over the screeching sirens, "We're locked on this course!"  
"Aren't you heading straight for us?" Cat asked the obvious question.  
"Yes," Lister gave the obvious answer.

Suddenly, Starbug made some hopeful noises, like little twinges of life. Spanners' body scrunched with tense effort. Rimmer could feel every ache in Spanners' body, every bead of sweat running down his face and it prompted him into a rare moment of heroism, "Is there anything I can do?"  
"Yes," Spanners said - even his voice sounded under pressure - "Climb…into there…find the main…engine…and…drain it of all…its fuel."  
"Right," he went to do so, "Hang on, what?"  
"Just do it!"  
"But…if we drain it of fuel, how are we supposed to have enough to fly?"  
"If we don't," Spanners mimicked, "how are we going to lose enough weight to actually take off. I'm assuming you want to take off."  
Rimmer said no more and clambered into the maze of engines. He found the main one and twisted a release wheel with all his might. Neither he or Spanners expected the rush of fuel that swept them both out of the engine decks. It didn't matter, though, because Starbug 2 was ready for lift-off. Which was probably a good thing because Wildfire was ready to crash.

Spanners, Rimmer and Kryten dashed to join Cat in the cockpit.  
"Go, go, go, go, go!" Rimmer yelled unnecessarily.  
"Shut up, Goal-post Head!" Cat replied.  
"GUYS!" Spanners screamed, "It's arguing that got us in this mess in the first place. I suggest we all shut up and get our asses out of here!"  
"I second that motion," Kryten said, punching instructions into the navicomp.  
Starbug gradually lifted out of the dent it had created when it crashed.  
"Thank God!" Lister and Ace said at the same time as they watched the green spacecraft ascend into the big black. Their euphoria was short-lived as the blue planet's smoky mist approached ever faster.  
"I'm afraid this could be goodbye, old friend," Ace said. Lister could feel the hot tears streaming down his cheeks. It couldn't be goodbye. Once…just _once_…Ace had to be wrong…  
For the first time in his life, Lister prayed. He didn't know if anyone would hear that prayer. He hoped they would.

As if on cue, the Wildfire juddered to a stop. Lister opened his eyes just to make sure. It was true! They had stopped! The planet in front stood stock still. In fact, it almost looked as if it were going away from them. Lister felt himself being thrust slightly forward. It all became clear; the planet _looked_ like it was going away from them because it _was_ going away from them. Ace punched up and image of outside and saw Starbug's leads attached to the back of the Wildfire - they had saved them! But now it looked as though they were going to crash anyway. The hurtled towards Starbug at record speed. Panicked, the crew of Starbug turned the crate around and started to pelt of in the same direction. This chase continued for some time before Cat, with some skilled piloting, managed to swerve to a hard right. Everyone in Starbug was tossed about in their seats, as were Ace and Lister a few seconds later as they were forced to follow Starbug's trajectory. They span round and round in a circle for as long as they had been chasing each other before both pilots were able to bring their craft to a gradual halt. Everyone sighed with relief and there was a well-received silence.

"I wonder if Holly's OK," Rimmer wondered out loud.  
"Someone call?" Holly's image dissolved onto a screen.  
"Holly!" Rimmer yelled, "Shouldn't you be navigating Red Dwarf?"  
"Nah, I did that ages ago."  
"Holly…" Rimmer began his rant, but stopped at the look Spanners gave him, "Er…well done."  
Holly was taken aback, "Um, thanks Arnie."  
Rimmer smiled, "No problem," he found it so comfortable to compliment Holly on her performance that it was somehow _un_comfortable. He cleared his throat and looked away as did Holly.  
"So, er, what happened then?" Holly asked.  
"Well…" Kryten launched into a twenty minute detailed account of the event.  
"So, shall we get back then?" Spanners said meaningfully after Kryten finished.  
"Plotting a course for home," Cat said.  
"Same here," Ace said through the mic.

Both crafts made their way steadily back to the Dwarf.

**A/n: **Wah! Can't believe there's only one more chapter to go! A BIG BIG BIG thank you to Sunrise over the Tango Factory (Bex) and Raging Tree Trunk (Liz) For all their help with this chapter! I wuv u guys!


	10. Lister is back

**Author's note:** Well, here it is, the end of the line for Lister and Lister. I've had really great fun writing this (apart from maybe the last chapter which was a complete _nightmare_). But, anyway, now I have Hiya to look forward to (hint, hint, **lar-ton**. I'm watching you…). I _very _nearly turned slashy in the first paragraph but decided against it (sorry slash fans!). Thanks be to all those who have reviewed this fic in the past (Feline Ranger, reddwarfaddict, lar-ton, smeggin-brilliant, Sunrise over the Tango Factory, RimmersLittleVoodooDoll, kippersvindaloo, and any new people who might review this chapter). Thank you!

Lister had his diary open on the desk and was madly scribbling away when Rimmer stepped through the door.  
"Rimmer?" Lister asked.  
"Mm?"  
"How do you spell…?" Lister trailed off and Rimmer looked at him.  
"How do I spell? Well, I take one letter, then string it alongside several other letters and it makes what we call a word, Listy."  
"Very funny," Lister said sarcastically, "I was gonna say a word then but I remembered it, OK?"  
Rimmer grinned, "Good to have you back, Listy."  
Lister grinned back, "Nice to be back, Rimsy."  
There was an awkward silence.  
"So," Lister said, "Do you want to end this out with a lame, uncomfortable hug or a lame, uncomfortable handshake?"  
"Handshake, I suppose."  
Lister got up and they shook hands warmly. Lister pulled at Rimmer's arm and he was brought into a hug.  
"It's really, really great to be back!" Lister said his eyes running over the familiar room. The broke their embrace and looked at each other.  
"Let's never mention this again," Rimmer said sternly.  
"Agreed," Lister said succinctly and half-ran out of the room.

Spanners opened the door to his house and peered in, not sure what he would find. What he did find was his wife sitting on the sofa in a darkened room, with small snivels being made every now and again.  
"Sweetheart…?" he said tentatively.  
"Go away!" she replied thickly, "I know it's not really you, it's just my imagination!"  
"Kris, it _is _me."  
She turned round slowly in her chair and blinked into the darkness, "Dave…?"  
He nodded and her confused frown faded into a joyful grin, "Oh my God, it really is you! It's really you. Oh, the boys will be so happy!"  
Spanners smiled and looked deep into Kris's eyes. Suddenly her lip quivered and tears rolled down her cheeks again.  
"What? What's wrong?"  
"Why did you go?" she sobbed.  
Looking at what he had, he honestly couldn't answer that question. He had everything here: a loving wife, beautiful children, wonderful friends, a great job. Why had he wanted less? Why had he wanted anything different? Well, he wouldn't from now on, that's for sure.  
"It doesn't matter," he said softly, "I'm here now, and I'm never leaving."  
"Honest?"  
"Honest."  
Kris ran over to her husband and wrapped her arms around his neck. From between the railings of the banister of the stairs, Jim and Bexley watched on.  
"Told you he'd come back! Didn't I say he would?" Jim whispered to his brother.  
"But is he gonna stay?" Bexley said, a little bit loud.  
"Shhh!" Jim shushed him, "Yes! He said so, didn't he? And he was using his serious voice. He won't go now. We've got him back forever."

**A/n:** I had to give Jim and Bexley the last words in this, because they had sod all else to do in this! Ooh, that was fun! Look out for my next fic which is a follow up of a fellow writers' (or more correctly TWO fellow writers') fanfiction, 'Staccato' by lar-ton.  
Bye for now!  
x


End file.
